Giles Von Doom

Gills would always say longistics. And I would always correct and say 'logistics'. I never corrected him fully cause if we're being honest Gills played with words like Oscar Peterson played the piano. Fast and loose. ‘Cause here's the thing longistics made logical sense! It was logistics with an emphasis on the long-term. It's something you just learned to love. And golly gee do I wish I could hear those words again. And that word came up a lot cause we were planning and executing and getting things done. I don’t think I could ever have the same level of intuitive understanding, dedication and efficiency as anyone else. I will admit and am rather ashamed to admit it but I didn't like Gills when I met him. And it wasn't his fault, it was on me. I was an ostentatious person and up until then I was still getting used to how wonderful and amazing people could be. I was wrapped in my own cynicism. And here was someone so confident and talented. It would have been the greatest regret if I didn't let my ego go and embrace him. And for that I was rewarded for over 10 years of a deep friendship and an unwavering bond. I'll be forever grateful that in this cold and chaotic universe that I got to meet someone who was a guiding light. A friend and confidant. A Dungeon Master who made a voice that would make my literal skin crawl. Someone who explained Magic the Gathering and Elden Ring in springing detail. Someone to talk about anime with and give me anime recommendations that were solid recommendations. Someone who was loving and protective. He was the wark hawk ready to protect his tribe. Someone who did the things he wanted to do and wasn’t satisfied with just having a dream. I was happy that he could rely on me and I could rely on him. He loved me not because I could do something for him. He loved me for me. A friendship devoid of transactional selfishness and that’s why it was easy to drop everything for him. In these past two weeks I have learned more and more about him, how similar we were, our upbringings and how we were. He was a fellow monk. Just when I thought I couldn’t love him more I found more reasons to love him and I wish I had the time to express that. Any amount of time would have never been enough. This phrase has been in my mind lately and I repeat it frequently, 'when it gets quiet that's when it gets loud'. And boy has it gotten loud. It's hard not to, downright impossible even. I will sit and stew and ruminate. And just when I'm done crying cue the waterworks. But I'm also reminded of the saying 'the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.' I look out and see the family I have chosen and gained. I’ll never forget his face because I see a lot of it in you guys and I will never forget what he stood for and what he was about. I’ll never forget his laugh, the immersive way he played video games, and that understanding look with a hug cocked and ready. Thank you for being my brother and for everything you’ve done. The work may be done bit it'll never be over.

Giles was a man of deep multitudes. By that I mean to say there's no set of words, actions, or stories that could come close to describing the strength of his character, the unwillingness to compromise the integrity of his ideals, the conviction to always work towards his goals, the dedication to those who he loved, or the ability to simply pick up a new skill he deemed necessary and almost immediately excel at it, just to mention a few. He was also a man of balanced contradiction. Aki the fierce warrior , but also Gills the gentle goofball. Strong protector, but also vulnerable friend. Singularly devoted, but also eclectically varied. One thing he wasn't, though, was concise. In fact, we regularly told him on stage to please hurry and wrap up the intros and banter so we could get to the good stuff, something we were only marginally able to succeed at. He could talk your ear off for hours, given literally any topic. What I wouldn't give to hear his pontificating one more time, talking ourselves in circles until I'm nodding with my eyes glossed over! His creativity and style was similarly free flowing and unbounded. Anyone who was lucky enough to have created anything with him, be it costumes, food, visual art, or for me, mostly music, was able to encounter a unique force of nature with a spoken or unspoken language all of its own, that was always somehow able to transcend classification and yet feel so familiar. One time very early in Giles's and my friendship, while I was back home in WV for the holidays, I was awoken by a phone call at probably like 3 or 4 in the morning. It was him. I thought it was probably a mistake, but I picked it up anyway (my name starts with an A, so it's not unheard of for people to sometimes dial me by accident because I'm at the top of the list). I guess there was a fairly chaotic party still going on at his place, so he stepped out to take a walk and get some fresh air. I'm still not sure why I was who he decided to call while on this walk, but since I was back home with nothing better to do, I was more than happy to entertain whatever was on his mind and hear what everyone was up to while I was home. It was a fairly meandering conversation, briefly catching up while looking out at the stars and talking about space. This went on for about an hour or so before he got cold and decided to head back and try to hopefully get some sleep. Before hanging up, he said, "Thanks for being here. Every spaceman needs a Houston." After that, Houston became our signifier for a serious conversation, either "I need to talk to Houston" or "Houston needs to talk to you". Giles, Glorious Aki, my eternal friend and forever band mate, thank you for everything. Houston signing out for the last time.

What’s a life with no sole purpose?” I discovered this “fishing in the sky” thought (a Giles-ism) in one of Giles’s old journals the other day - this was the first page I opened to. No other writing, just that. It begged an answer to a seemingly rhetorical question. And as we sit here facing an unthinkable reality, attempting to grapple with an unimaginable tragedy, we find ourselves grasping for answers. The annoying thing is that Giles would have the answer, as he always did. In his stead, I will attempt to contribute a brief expansion on that to try and give his brilliance justice. As a man of action, he always saw things through, always acted with intention, love, and forethought. I think the saying goes “why half-ass a bunch of things when you can whole-ass one thing,” but the paradox with this is that Gile whole-assed everything he did. He pulled from his chest and gave everyone and everything his 110%. He turned every obstacle in his path into an opportunity instead of a stalemate. “It’s all about balance” he would say, and he mastered the art of passion, dedication, and intention aligned with the outcome. To keep myself from complete and utter hopelessness and emptiness, I keep reminding myself of not the loss we all are collectively experiencing, but everything we’ve gained from knowing a soul such as Giles. That’s just who he was and is. His sole purpose was to uplight, to provide comfort, warmth, possibility, and the radical acceptance of oneself to recognize what needs to be done and the courage to follow through and do it. That’s why we’re all able to be here today, in a world where he no longer walks, and put one foot in front of the other at whatever pace and just keep moving. He’s not physically with us on this journey, but I'll be damned if I don't believe he’s not spiritually with each and every one of us, being the same Giles we all fell in love with. I wanted to dive a little bit into Giles and I’s love story and everything gained in that sacred time. As some of you know, we started our relationship long distance. I had never had a pen pal before so we had the idea to start writing each other letters, sending them between Chicago and Cleveland. Just two vulnerable kids pouring their stream of consciousness onto notebook paper. Writing those letters was the start of him helping me to gently tear down the walls I had built around myself, and me helping him to do the same. When I look back at them, I realize we were already falling in love and didn't yet know how to acknowledge it. In the eventual mutual acknowledgement, it was the easiest task I've ever had the privilege of doing. I still remember visiting him in Cleveland for the first time, as young pining cats, and us spending hours talking about life, pain, love, and everything in between. He became overcome with emotion and said “I’m sorry, it’s just that I think I’m in love with you,” and I said, “Bitch, I know I’m in love with you.” We laughed and immediately began the talks of who was going to move where so we could close the physical distance once and for all. A few days after that, the first time he was seeing me off on the Greyhound bus back to Chicago, a woman waiting at the stop approached us and I’ll never forget what she said. She saw us holding each other, side by side, and said “Never let anything come between you two and your love.” She was a total transient stranger, but it felt like an omen. We made a promise to each other that day and would continue to remind each other of her words, especially after any tiff or argument we had about anything as stupid as what we would eat for dinner that night. And I will continue to honor that promise, even though it takes on a new form and a new meaning. After that day for almost one very long year, many subsequent hours would be spent on the red eye greyhound bus waiting to be reunited once again. Now the journey begins again, a seemingly impossibly long journey back to each other, and I have to believe that somehow we will find each other again someday. When I had the privilege of moving to Cleveland, I gained more love and friendship in my life than I ever knew was possible. I didn’t just find my soulmate, but an entire family I didn’t know was waiting for me in The Land. It’s overwhelming, that kind of love. A love that makes you feel like anything under the cosmos is possible. Giles and I would often say we’re surfing the cosmos together. It really felt like that. I remember everyday waking up and thinking that I’m the luckiest damn person in the universe. How lucky am I to wake up next to my best friend, my twin flame, my person, everyday? I got the opportunity for almost six incredible years to start the day in awe of my life and the person I got to share that with. The opportunity to fall asleep enveloped in the love and giving the love I previously thought to be legend, reserved only for storybooks. How many get to say they get that opportunity? I wouldn’t squander it and by golly neither did Giles. I’m grateful I got to see all the tender parts of his soul, his biggest fears, wildest dreams, his inner child, his greatest wishes and desires, and even his demons. It felt as natural as holding space for each other as it did to breathe. And he will have the other half of my heart for as long as I live and breathe. Writing this in place of the vows we would say at our wedding to each other feels unthinkable and wrong in every sense of the word, even though we didn’t need a wedding to be married in all the ways that matter. Unyielding commitment to one another and knowing we were living for ourselves, together. Like two branches of the same tree, sharing the same trunk and soil, reaching for the sunlight and deepening our roots together. And in his passing made me truly recognize the magnitude of family, both blood and chosen, who have been watering our soil since the moment we chose each other. With this cruel, cold, unrelentingly evil world, many of us understand it would be easier to lay down and turn to dust. But we are here honoring someone who never wasted a single breath, no matter how challenging filling his lungs with oxygen seemed. He would take a deep breath, center himself, and put one foot in front of the other ensuring not to trample on any being along the way. What he gave us is each other, never alone again in that walk, and the realization that we were never alone to begin with. Talk about a legacy. All the dreams we shared dont die with his physical body, they live on with us in every laugh, every cry, every song, thoughtfully cooked meal, and meandering intellectual conversation. So, in honoring him, today and for as long as each of us breathe, because this world has taught us that we’ll never truly know when will be our last, we need to ask ourselves - what is a life with no sole purpose? I’ll end this with some food for thought. Giles always talked about healing. We obviously hoped his healing would include the physical, but healing goes far beyond that. Healing is giving and receiving love, finding peace, forgiveness, and absolution. In this past year, he saw to it that his soul achieved healing through his music, meditations, journaling, therapy, boundary setting, and doing what he intuitively knew was right for him with every ounce his being had to offer. Among the countless things he left us with, he left us with his lyricism to remind us that there is no greater sole purpose or soul’s purpose. And that’s a legacy I know he would be proud of.

Here are some of the million things I loved about you. The way you wore Ellie’s scrunchies in your hair after your latest twist, your constant use of head phones, your awesome mixed playlists, the way you smiled every morning when I saw you, your long meandering, deep thoughts set to words like jazz, how you towered over me and lifted every high box I couldn’t reach, your sweet laugh, your comment after I yelled, “Giles, can you help me,” every 2 minutes….”see what I have to put up with when Tracey is here.” All of your creative ideas and unbounding willingness to help bring all my crazy dreams to life before the Pomp launch party. How you danced with Henry and Harlan. Your cool style, everyday surprising me. Your calm demeanor that helped me to remember, “everything will work out as it should.” (Another Gilesism). Having lunches with you at our long white table. The Thanksgiving vegan meal you cooked and brought to my door. The day you walked into our lives at Pomp with your lavender sweater and HUGE smile and said “I’m overwhelmed but I’m here for it”. The respect and grace you always gave me. The creativity you inspired in me while, just the two of us set up all those crazy drapes and viniettes for our party, quietly pinning curtains and chatting about silly things. How we laughed and dreamed together about what Pomp could one day be. “It’ll all work out,” you said, grounding me to what is and what would come. You rolling up on your bike and skateboard. Your advice, your courage, your boundless optimism. Never complaining or compromising on you were. For bringing into our lives Ellie…you unfaltering love and admiration and awe of her which I immediately understood. Everything you were, are, wherever you are now. Thank you for all of these gifts, sweet, cosmic Giles. I love you. Always will.